First phase.....CHECK

Michael had an interview last night with the University of Lethbridge.

It lasted 90 minutes. (beats the hell out of that 7-11 interview I had ;) just kidding)

Sounds like he nailed it. I knew he would - he may not be able to take the garbage out with any sort of consistency - but, damn, that man is good at business. His mother says he has the gift of "brown sugar" which, I found out actually is her cute way of really saying bullshit. He has the gift of bullshit and it does him well. He knows how to ruffle feathers and stroke them back into place all at the same time (except with me...but whatever - we're not talking about me :)
And, honestly, they'd be fools to not snatch him up.

The guy he talked to is kind of the top guy, so if he's not interested, then they're not interested, that sort of thing...but the guy said that he needs to warn Michael that the school can be pretty stingy. Michael gave him a few creative ideas to drum up some more dollars. He suggested that UofL guy approach the Arts faculty and get some money from them and Mick can teach Photoshop or one of the other 1,000,000 programs he's a freakin' guru at. He's been teaching at McEwan for years and is damn good at his job, so the UofL guy was impressed with the idea. He hadn't realized the depth and scope of Michael's abilities. (again, undermined daily by that pesky garbage problem).

Anyway - couple of days to hear what UofL thinks. I really hope they think HELL YA! Come on down!!

I LOVE THIS SONG!!!

Am I the only one that's failed?
Am I the only that falls?
Am I the only one in church today feeling so small?
Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong
So I tuck it all away
Like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it
Maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin
I play the part again
So everyone will see me, the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people?
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles that hide our pain.
But, if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain - on the stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there?
Are there any hands to raise?
Am I the only one who's traded in the alter for a stage?
The performance is convincing
We know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart
But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person that you imagine me to be
Would your arms be open?
Or would you walk away?
Or would the love of Jesus be enough to make you stay?

Are we happy plastic people?
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles that hide our pain
But, if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on the stained glass masquerade.

-Casting Crowns

ADHD or Shitty parent...which one is it?

We've had the flu this weekend. I think we're finally at the tail end of it - but it's been a tough one. I was the second man down...not fair for a mom. We're supposed to be last man standing. We almost have to be, but anyway...I wasn't. But, this weekend really impressed on me that there I have a legitimate reason to be concerned with my son.

An 8 year old child should be able to process a request and the reason for the request and comply with said request. Shouldn't he?? Now a 4 year old...meh. 5 year old - depending on maturity... 6 year old - we're starting to get into no brainer territory here. You should be able to say to an 8 year old "Please keep your voice down, Sarah, mom and Meghan are all sick and need to rest." But, you can't.
This morning alone, Michael told him to quiet down at least 10 times. At 7 in the morning. It usually goes a little something like this. "Josh, hush." "Josh, quiet please." "Josh, come on man, your mom and the babies are still sleeping." "Josh, knock it off, what did I just tell you?" "Josh, you need to stop talking." "Josh, quit making that noise." "Josh, SHUT UP!!!!!" and even then...nothing. I know he hears, cause we've done those tests too.

So, I came downstairs this morning with an epiphany. All these wasted years of me thinking that Josh's issues stem from my shitty parenting are just clouding the subject. The subject being that maybe there is something wrong with Josh. Maybe there is a neurological reason he is unable to process basic requests. Maybe it's not all about me. Maybe the people who think that I'm the reason for his behaviour can go sit and spin, since I am able to raise 3 other children rather calmly. Particularly the people who don't have children but think they have all the answers on how to raise them. So wise.
I have been ground down to the fracking bone with this child. All of my parenting resources are exhausted. No one comes with a manual, but honestly, I'm a pretty good, consistant, fair but firm mom with my other children. I've been told that I treat Josh differently. Josh is different. Not sure what I'm supposed to do with that? I'm tired of being judged. I don't have to raise my voice to Sarah. She complies. She asks a question, gets an answer, positive or negative and carries on with her day. Life does not revolve around Sarah. I don't know about the babies yet, because they're just that, babies, but neither one of them is showing the will that Josh demonstrated at 2.
So, I guess it's time to dig a little deeper. The pediatrician says he has it. I don't believe she looked deep enough. If he has it, he has it and I'm fine with that, but I'm not taking a diagnosis because a show of hands indicated that he drives them crazy too. I guess it's time to see a psychologist/psychiatrist. Things need to change. I'm going to explode if they don't. I can't bare the brunt of this responsibility any longer. I makes me so sad that when he leaves the house for school, the whole place changes. I can let my guard down. He thinks I hate him. Which is very basic, 8 year old thinking. He's wrong. I love him so much, but I can't afford to let him rule the world any longer. I love him enough to know that he doesn't have the fortitude it takes to be the commanding presence in our home. It's time for the table to turn back to their rightful places. Maybe he can find some rest in being the child? I don't know where to start, but I have a doctors appointment in mid March, so that might be the place to get some info.
This weekend away is sooooooooooooo needed.

What a month!

Woo! The month started with an unexpected set of visitors. A friend of mine from my twin message board needed to be admitted to the hospital. She doesn't have much in the way of support from family - so I really felt a huge NUDGE and POKE to help her. I drove out to Ponoka and met her for the first time. My intention was to encourage her to let me take her kids back to my house so that she could go to the hospital.
Understandably, she wasn't comfortable with that, so I brought her and her 4 year old twins back home with me. The hope was that a hospital here in Edmonton would admit her. After 3 days of sitting in emergency waiting rooms and getting the news that they don't admit for infections, we headed back to get her settled in the Ponoka hospital. By this time she was comfortable that we didn't run a babyskin lampshade making factory - so she agreed to leave her babes with us.
We had the kids from the 5th to the 17th. It was a long run. They were very happy to see their mommy. We had a 5th birthday party for them while they were here. It was an interesting social experiment. I was really impressed with my kids and their tenacity. And generosity. And patience. It was a good thing for me to be able to see that I must be doing something right. A very God filled experience.

Now we have the flu. Sarah went down first. Then it hit me. Then Meghan. Now Josh. Slowly, but surely it's working it's way through the house :( It's not fair for the mom to get it until the end. I truly feel like a zombie. Michael has had a ton of deadlines - so he's been as helpful as he can be - in a distracted, disinterested sort of way.

I just need to be better for Thursday. Doesn't even matter if I'm better for Thursday...I'm going on my weekend. Annie and I are going to Canmore for the weekend. She's flying in from Winnipeg and we're staying at the Fire Mountain lodges - lovely.

Michael is going to the University of Lethbridge's Edmonton campus tomorrow for a job interview. We're really hoping that he'll get a job at the University. We both think it might be time for a real job (not that Devbox isn't a real job) with real benefits and hours and structure. This owning your own business thing can be pretty insidious in the way it can take over a life...so we'll see. There are a lot of things we both like about the idea. We'll be closer to the mountains and Waterton. It's easier to get to Calgary, where Michael's family is. No snow. Mountains. No snow. Better real estate. Mountains. No snow. You know, stuff like that.

Anyway...that's this month's update. Been a little too crazy to keep up!

Can you imagine

if we could read each other's minds??? Eeek!! I shudder when I think of this.
When I first started watching Heros, they have the Shaun from Felicity/Alias guy who reads minds. That would just be freaky.

I live with a man who wouldn't say shit if his mouth was full of it. Bonus for me. I'm a nasty little prick, most of the time, and if I could tap into what he really thinks. Zoinks! I just know it wouldn't be good.

I have a son who I love, but struggle with. I'm pretty sure he thinks I hate him. I'm pretty sure he hates me because of it. But, I get to blissfully skip along, tapping into this reality when I want to and ignoring it when I don't. What if I heard his thoughts when I'm bullying him - yet again??

I have a daughter who is beautiful and kind, like her daddy. She just wants everyone to get along and everything to be happy. Like her daddy. But, it's not the way it is. What if I could hear how much my ranting and raving and crying affects her??

Then there's the babes. Seemingly unaware, but damn...you just know that's not true. I've had enough kids to know how much I'm affecting them. Every little thing I do is AWESOME and worthy of copying. That's encouraging now isn't it. Uhhh, don't copy me, copy someone else. Anyone else. Just not me. I wouldn't want to swim around in those thoughts, knowing that I'm creating a cesspool of how poorly to treat others, particularly the ones that love you.

And then of course, what if they could hear my thoughts? It wouldn't be pretty. I wish I could take a magic pill to get me out of my head. I've lived inside this musty, old, chemically deficient, thing for too many years. How do you go from being a total depressive/self-absorbed/crazy person to someone who just hucks it all and lives in the moment. I like my head. It's comfy in here. There's a lot of old familiar faces, ones I don't get to see on the outside. Ones I don't want to let go of. But at what cost?? When there's all these faces standing at the window, trying to peek in, so they could maybe, just maybe get a glimpse of their mommy, while she pathetically rambles around with her ghosts and her regrets and her memories.

I just set up my treadmill!!

I'm part of a shopping club that meets every month. I won for January and hadn't spent my money yet...so I got Michael to pick up the cheap, manual treadmill that Superstore has this week.

It's manual for sure. And I'm out of shape for sure. But, I'm dedicated to getting healthy and if this will help me manage my maniac stress/anxiety issue, then cheap, manual, foldable treadmill it is. I'm not the person who's gonna go for a walk...with 2 or 4 children in tow. So much for stress relief!

I've decided that I have to avoid the morning chaos for a while. I'll make Josh's lunch the night before, but I have to wait until some of the whirling dervish that is the morning dissipates before I can come downstairs. Maybe that'll be the perfect time to treadmill??

Hope I don't break a hip! LOL

I'm a little confused

The doctor did not say "YOU have bipolar affective disorder". But, she is treating my imbalances the way you would treat a patient with bipolar. So, I'm confused. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck...is it a duck??? I don't know. (bearing in mind that she also had the wrong test results, pc problems and a pda that was kinda hiccuppy.)

Michael is disputing that it is what I think it is. But, I wonder if it's just a matter of avoidance?? Not sure. I think I just need to call the doctor for clarification. On one hand, it doesn't really matter - this is a label...and the labels don't necessarily matter. I'm moving ahead with the doctor's plan. On the other hand, I have to wrap my head around the whole thing. I just don't know.

I've asked for support from my husband. He often misinterprets "support" for "solution". *I've heard boys can do this??* The solution is something my doctor and I will work towards...I don't need solutions. I need support. The crappy part is, I don't even know what that looks like. So, he's completely confused as to what I need. I'm totally confused, so I don't know what to tell him - and around and around we go. ARGH!

I'll talk to the pharmacist tomorrow. And, put a call in to the doctor for a little more info.

Sigh

And the winner is...........

some other lady!!!!!

I'm sitting down with the doctor and she's got the results of my labs in front of her:
CBC looks good.
Fasting blood sugar looks good.
Vitamin D is a little low
TSH 1.75 - really good (all things considered)
No antibodies present (I had my thyroid removed because of the antibodies that were attacking it???)

So, it's all looking very mysterious. My blood work is perfect. All except some low Vitamin D - to which I say "Welcome to Canada." What the heck????

All fine and good...she needs to go to her office for her prescription pad and I say..."What about my adrenals? How was my cortisol level??" She hands me the big pile of results and says "Take a look - I don't remember seeing it on there."

I'm checking it out and writing down the results of the things I thought might be interesting to have. There is no cortisol level. There is no Free T3 and Free T4 levels....weird....I look at the top of the sheet....well, last time I check I'm not Sandra Reeve (name changed to protect the innocent, poor dear with her decreased vitamin D level :( ).

So, we were checking the results of some other lady's blood work. Nice.

Bring on the accurate blood work.
High TSH - indicating more hypo than normal. Not surprised.
Cortisol a.m. level - 329 between 120 and 620 is normal - she'd like it to be higher though.
Free T4 - 9.2 - indicating more of the same...hypo.
Vitamin A - low
Vitamin B12 - wants to see it better - it's 177 - she'd like to see 500
no results for Vitamin D - poor Sandra and that low D level :(
Thyroid antibodies - 49
On an upside...I'm not in menopause :) Maybe I should have another baby.



ROFLMAO...NOT

I have to go to a compounding pharmacy to get the supplements she wants me to start taking. I need Vitamin A, a sublingual (under your tongue) B12 supplement, something called MABA, which I know nothing about, I think it's a combination of three different amino acids.
Tyrosine, which apparently, transmits nerve impulses to the brain, helps overcome depression; Improves memory; increases mental alertness; promotes the healthy functioning of the thyroid, adrenal and pituitary glands.
and Tryptan this medication is used in addition to antidepressants in the treatment of bipolar affective disorder. It works by affecting the levels of certain chemicals called neurotransmitters in the brain.

I guess this could explain the roller coaster that is my day to day experience (and everyone unlucky enough to know the real me.)

So, there ya have it. Nutritional changes as well. No more coffee. No more caffeine. No more unstable fats (vegetable oil, margarine), no more sugar, no more white flour. Luckily, I'd committed to changing my lifestyle the morning of my first doctor's appointment. And, I feel much better for it, so I don't think sticking with a new way of eating is going to be as difficult as it has been in the past. I've already lost 31 lbs in the last 6 months...so there are obvious advantages!

Let the healing begin.

Countdown to the results!!

Tomorrow at 2:45, I see my doctor.

I can't wait.

I hope those 7 vials have unearthed something. I really, really, really hope.

I've been reading The Mood Cure by Julia Ross. Very interesting read. Full of information that I'm in a really good head space to read. I've been completely convinced that diet had everything to do with Josh's eczema over the years and now it's looking like diet may just have a lot to do with my depression. Hmmm...you mean you can't eat carbs 24/7 and still feel healthy, vital, energetic, spontaneous and enthusiastic?? How odd. But, all that glue makes you feel good when you eat it??? Oh well. I'm inclined to believe the people on the fringe of the health care system a little more than I buy what the "usual suspects" are selling. How surprising that the medical associations would tell us to eat "this" and we get sick?? Wouldn't they be cutting their noses off to spite their faces if they created a healthy Canada??

I'm not very good at patting myself on the back - but I will give myself this....I have not been interested in taking the crappy, quacky diagnosis' that I've received laying down. Sometimes you have to just keep looking. Keep digging. Keep refusing to believe what you know in your heart of hearts isn't true. You will eventually stumble upon someone who doesn't think it's your weight or your age, your marital condition, your stay at home momness, or the amount of kids you have...it might just be your health. Hmmm.

Now it may seem...

that all I've done lately is relax. What with the Saturday of leisure and the Thursday of the Full Body Rub Down (where's a cloud9 emoticon when you need one?)
But, I gotta tell ya. Lately, I've been held together by one soggy piece of duct tape and a paper clip. So, this is something that has to be done - for the safety of my family and my self.
I'm thankful that I can do it. I wasn't able to do any of these things a few years ago...but I'm really thankful to be in a place where it's not a matter of decompressing versus groceries.

I saw a new doctor this past Wednesday. She sent me for blood tests. Part of the coming apart at the seams thing has to do with my missing thyroid gland. Things have been even worse since it's come out. There was a brief reprieve, when I started some new meds...but all in all - I'm unraveling quickly and with a house full of children and a puppy (where's a bang your head against the wall emoticon when you need one?) there isn't a whole lot of room for error.

This new doctor, Dr. Deborah Andrew, sent me for blood work. 7 vials of bloodwork, I might add, and I'm sooooo hopeful that she will be able to help me find some closure on this damn problem. She refused to prescribe me an anti-depressant. She doesn't feel it's necessary to keep trying the same thing over and over again - since it hasn't worked in the past. Interesting. I'm used to being written a script and ta da - I'm done. Every damn time I'm given a script - I walk out of the doctors office with this little white piece of hope. And every damn time - I walk back in without any results. 7 antidepressants later - here we are. A doctor who isn't interested in the easy/obvious fix. Especially, since it hasn't ever fixed. (where's a sigh emoticon when you need it?)

I'm encouraged. I'm hopeful (with a dash of leery). She recommended a book called The Mood Cure. I've been reading it and am completely blown away by it's accuracy to my case. I'm at a stage in my life and health, where I'd do anything - eat desiccated dog poo even - if it was going to help me feel well and enjoy my life and not ruin my family with my extreme, unmanageable mood swings. I'm curious to see what these 7 vials of blood have to say. She's checked things that have never been looked at before. They happily yanked my thyroid gland, without so much as a visit to an endocrinologist and now, FINALLY, someone is going to act like a scientist and actually try to help me.

I'm angry and I'm bitter at the whole damn health care system (at least the part I've had contact with.) because of their lack of curiosity. Their desire to just pump us through, because they have to see 30 more people this a.m. to make their quota (I don't even know if that's true, but it certainly seems like it.) I've been to doctors that I've walked in, told them what I thought was wrong, and they prescribed something - without barely an upward glance. (where's a suspicious/paranoid emoticon when you need it?). And, now, with this book, and this new doctor, it's looking like a lot of concerns I have can be addressed and dealt with nutritionally and with amino acids. And not amino acids forever, amino acids until my seratonin, catecholamines (dopamine, norepinephrine and adrenaline), adrenals and endorphine levels are returned to their rightful place. This is all. It just seems fecking insane to me. That I know people who have had electro-shock therapy because of such severe depression - and I can almost guarantee, no one has checked these brain functions on them. This is too holisitic-y. Too out there. Too cheap in the long run (where's the roll my eyes emoticon when I need it?)

So, anyway....I just wanted to spill all that. I'm going to consider this year, 2007, my Journey to Wholeness year. There's so much more too it - this is the tip of the iceberg - but you gotta start somewhere and this is where. I think that if I could actually get some energy and some joi d'vivre - I might be able to face the other obstacles that stand in my way of being the person I was meant to be. The wife I was meant to be. The mother I was meant to be. The friend...the freakin' next door neighbour...you get the picture.

If you're reading and are a praying person - please pray for me. I can't right now...it's one of my hurdles. But I believe in the healing power of prayer. I believe in praying for wisdom and guidance. I would really appreciate any prayers or kind, positive thoughts you would put out there for me. I need them. My family needs them. We're a bunch of hurting units right now and it's going to be an interesting journey.

Full Body Massage

Yeaaahh baybeee! That's more like it.


And a tea date - life is good.

Until tomorrow.
(wow! that sounds pessimistic!)

Day of chillaxin'

Ahhh, that was a nice day! Note how many times I use leisure in this enrapturing commentary :p

Michael is heading down to Canmore soon to hang out with a bunch of old high school buddies. He found a great 2 story condo at a resort there and since it's off season, he's getting a screaming deal. He suggested I find a friend and go there to check it out...this weekend. Uhh, not really that feasible. So, I suggested a variation of his idea.

I took today off. :)

I slept in (till 9 - I suck at sleeping in). I talked to my best friend while lounging in bed, a la my single years. I had a leisurely shower...even plucked my eyebrows! Amazing, I tell ya.
Then, I met Miriam for a leisurely brunch at the Queens Atrium. Then I bought two cool new necklaces to add to my expanding cool necklace collection. Then I bought a couple of books recommended by my new doctor (another story unto itself). Then I leisurely, doodled around Southgate, bought some lipgloss at M.A.C. (another foray into the unknown). Booked myself a full body massage at Eveline Charles for Thursday - to use up the remainder of a gift card I've been carrying in my wallet for ....uhhh...3 years or so (oops). It was just a lazy, delightful, self absorbed day of goodness. I got home at 5:30, the babysitter came at 6:00 and Mick and I went to That's Aroma for dinner.

That, my friends, was my kind of day. I really could handle being a lady of leisure!!!

Leisure is good.

Happy Birthday Meghan!!!!

My Meggie Moo has just turned two!!! Look at that face. She's such a pudding pop! They had more fun with these balloons than anything else they received. How typical. Megalicious made it about 1 hour and 10 minutes in that dress. Then she was DONE! This is one baby who loves the skin she's in.
Well, if you read about Matthew, you'll know that I remember none of it. Good thing there are photos. I can muster up some sort of vague, dreamlike recollection of some sort of vague, dreamlike time we've had in the past two years. All I know for sure, is that these babies make my heart feel something that it's never felt before. And, I like it :)

Happy Birthday Matthew!!!

My littlest baby is 2!!! I can't fathom where the time has gone. I just don't know. And, you couldn't pay me to know, since I think my brain fell out with the placenta. :)
Hard to believe my big meatball was only 5 lbs 16 oz at birth. The kids got a head like a helmet. We're not sure what happened to his lip. There were no witnesses. I have a couple of guesses...one is furry, one is his wombmate. She can be a little bit of an....uhmm...enforcer.

Happy Birthday Baby Boy!!!

Two two year olds

How about that??

Crazy!

And to all a good night...

Merry Christmas !!!

I hope you have a wonderful holiday season and a safe and happy NEW YEAR!!!!!

:)

Don't mess with my lolli

Tis the season to be overwhelmed

Kid Christmas concerts.

Snack exchanges.

Mailing gifts.

Wrapping gifts.

Worrying about the gifts I don't have.

A sick puppy.

A trashed house.

Volunteering obligations I made when I was apparently half out of my mind...now that I'm completely out of my mind I can't figure out what I was thinking...

etc. etc. etc.

Ahhh, such a joyous season :yuck:

Lucky kids

I think they enjoy each other's company :) Josh is a great big brother and Sarah is the perfect idolizing little sister, who is starting to know some kickass wrestling moves. She got Michael in a headlock yesterday and made him wimper LOL. That's a girl.

Uhm Meg?? That's the dogs water.

Really...what else is there to say???? ROFL