Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Pros and Cons

All that really means, in my head, is a breakdown of the previous year.  Successes, failures, room for improvement.  I'm not necessarily a "resolution" gal, but I am a checks and balances gal and find that I'm monitoring myself throughout the year anyway - this is just an opportunity to sit down and really LOOK.  Kinda like tax time.  Sure, you keep the receipts, but you really only delve into them once a year.

So, what's gone on in 2009?  I worked out of the home for the first time since becoming a wife and mom.  It is very fulfilling.  I enjoy it like I enjoy breathing.  It's sooooooo much easier than being a SAHM.  I just got through my first Christmas back in retail and I survived, singing Christmas carols all the way.  I was pretty anxious about Boxing Day, but then I realized, the last time I worked a Boxing Day was at West Edmonton Mall...you could pack the entirety of Lethbridge into the mall and still have less people than WEM would on Boxing Day.  It was all good.

What else has happened?  My son is 11, my daughter is 8 and my twins turn 5 in a minute and a half.  Wow!  That's just crazy business.

My husband became a photographer.  He is awesome.  www.michaelwarf.com  I guess he actually decided in October of 2008 to pursue photography, but in his typical way, he pursues and accomplishes all at the same time.  He had a few weddings last summer and has a couple booked for 2010.

I, finally, have the majority of my hormonal/medicinal/thyroidal issues dealt with.  Give or take a week of roller coaster every month.  This is in comparison to a week of feeling good.  I'll take the former.

I lost my way.

My family is floundering.

My marriage is on the verge of disintegration.

My home is a shambles.

How many checks on the PRO side do I have now?  Somehow, when those things are on your list, the PRO side becomes decidedly CON.

What do I do about it?  I could keep doing what I'm doing.  Being personally fulfilled and finding contentment outside of these four walls.  But, what about the rest of them?  What do I do about them while I'm feeding my own needs?  That is where the focus needs to be for 2010.  Re-prioritizing.  I'm living this lovely little self-absorbed life right now.  Leaving Michael with the brunt of the responsibility.  Trying to smoosh a week of the important stuff into a two day period.

It's not working.

If I'm pursuing a career outside of the home, who's pursing a career INSIDE the home?  4 kids is a full-time job.  The proper care and feeding of 4 developing human beings is not something I can do in an hour before they go to school and an hour before they go to bed.  Others may be able to.  I can't.

Time to rethink it all.  It's not just about me.  CRAP!  I'm so good at doing things just for me.  But I made the conscious decision to bring these kids into the world and I have to now make the conscious decision to do right by them.  All. The. Time.

Cursed change!