Thursday, May 31, 2007

Seattle and youtube discovery

Seattle was beautiful. We were staying right on the Harbour, just up the hill from Pike's Market. Stunning city! It was wonderful to see my friends and meet the ones I hadn't met. It was all wonderful!

Now, I'm totally in love with the movie Moulin Rouge. It was on TV the other day and I tell ya, it knocks my socks off. So, in my need for some of the soundtrack I youtubed the movie and played the final "Come What May" scene. Well, dammit, the kids just crowded around the computer, absolutely mesmerized! Hot damn! Kinda like Teletubbies, but less mind numbing! So, throughout the day I tested my theory and sure enough, as soon as Nicole Kidman sung the first line, Matthew flew into the room and just stood there, glued to the screen. Life is good.

I totally get to satisty my JAM tooth too. Hours and hours of Jim Krasinski is never a bad thing!

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Seattle bound

I'm on my way to Seattle on Friday. I'm meeting a bunch of twin moms that I've met over the internet. Our last trip was Chicago. I'm there until Monday. We're staying in this place and it's going to be lovely.


Thursday, May 10, 2007

I was thinking today about the things that are missing in my life. The parts that I have cut off or hidden or denied. Lots of these things have to do with love. Love is something that, apparently, can make the world go round...but what happens when you've been damaged by love and can't see it for the gift that it was, only for the pain that it caused. What happens when the pain, though distant, still occasionally aches or stabs? How does this effect me in my day to day??

What would happen if I stopped focusing on the pain portion of the program and stopped reliving the mistakes and just started to accept that I love. I've loved. I will continue to love. I'm a lover, dammit. I love music. There are lyrics that stop my heart. There are arrangements that give me goosebumps. I love spring. I love the air and the crispness. I love flowers, from the most delicate to the most hardy. Just like people. I've loved lots of people. Lots of them don't even know I loved them. I've loved facets of people that I didn't even like. I love deeply. I love HARD. I love daily. But, when I pretend that I've only ever loved one person, I become a liar and pieces of my heart get closed off. How am I supposed to continue loving through thick and thin if I'm so willing and able to pretend that some of the greatest love I've ever felt or ever given didn't happen. Why not just cut my loses and give up today too? I reduce my capacity to get through the hard days if I shut down areas of my heart and feel shamed by them instead of thankful for the opportunity to grow in that kind of way.

So, what do I do about this??? I dunno. It's totally against our christian led culture to embrace your past. I feel like I'm supposed to be ashamed of having not "saved" myself for my husband. I was 29 for crissake. Lotsa luck. But, is it shameful? Is it something that I should have to bury away and act like it never happened?? Am I the best me I can be if I treat the experiences that shaped me, made me, taught me, as useless and worthy of discarding?? I dunno?

Such lofty thoughts for a bored suburban housewife.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Midlife crisis

I think I'm going through one.

So much has changed and yet so much remains the same. I feel the same emotionally as I did a million years ago, but physically, things don't jive.

I've spent 8, almost 9 years at home raising children. We both agreed at the onset, that I would raise our kids. We didn't factor in a set of twins, so there was an unspoken expectation that I would be free from oppression as of September, when Sarah started grade one. But, that's not necessarily the way it's going to be.

I feel like I don't contribute anything of value to the family. I feel like I play this role of "mother" and she's truly a role. I don't think I'm this impatient and angry and bitter and frustrated...but the character is...and I must wear her each day.
Is she easier to put on because I've allowed myself to become a shadow of my former self?? Was my former self even developed fully enough to survive this foray into selflessness? Would I feel like more of a viable human being and less of a leech if I had a job?? Went to school?? Tuned into my creative side??? Who knows?? Not I.

I feel like my body is deceiving me. I'm much to young and vital to look and feel this tired and spent. I have an expectation when I look in the mirror and it's gone. I'm trying to do what I can to reclaim it, but the lines and grey hairs won't go away no matter how perfectly I follow Weight Watchers plan. I feel like I've lost my sparkle. I think I had a sparkle. I remember a sparkle. I feel like maybe it's been smeared in baby poop and lost at the bottom of a toy box. Or maybe, it's in the lint tray of the dryer after the 13th load of wash.

I just don't know.

I was talking with a friend about deconstructing myself. Chipping away the undesirable bits and pieces until...what was left was a mutilated version of the truth. I did it when I was dating. So desperate to be liked, so desperate to be loved, that I hid away whatever piece of me I didn't think was attractive to homme du jour. Luckily, I had some experiences just prior to meeting Mick that put me back on track. But, now I've realized I'm doing it again. Letting pieces of myself die off because they're not appropriate for a "mommy". Throwing away remnants of my past because I'm ashamed that my daughters might come across Mom's 20-something journals and be disgusted and embarrassed that their mother was ever that desperate or confused or just plain sexual. So, the deconstruction continues. Why can't I just be solid in the fact that I was what I was. I am what I am. This journey continues and it's in the mistakes and the blips and the embarrassments that the most wisdom is realized. If I'm okay with who I was at 8, why not 18, why not 28, 38, 48, 58??
Somewhere peace has to be realized.

I know damn good and well that I was not happy with my reflection at 27. I didn't see the sparkle. I didn't see what was right in front of me because I was too busy looking back at 17. I have to come to terms with the sands of time at some point in my life and start living in the present instead of looking over my shoulder to see if the past has had some sort of differnet ending.

Whoa, this was almost theraputic.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Waiting games

are irritating and frustrating and generally not okay for an impatient person.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007


You can cut it with a knife.

I hate that.