Wednesday, February 28, 2007

ADHD or Shitty parent...which one is it?

We've had the flu this weekend. I think we're finally at the tail end of it - but it's been a tough one. I was the second man down...not fair for a mom. We're supposed to be last man standing. We almost have to be, but anyway...I wasn't. But, this weekend really impressed on me that there I have a legitimate reason to be concerned with my son.

An 8 year old child should be able to process a request and the reason for the request and comply with said request. Shouldn't he?? Now a 4 year old...meh. 5 year old - depending on maturity... 6 year old - we're starting to get into no brainer territory here. You should be able to say to an 8 year old "Please keep your voice down, Sarah, mom and Meghan are all sick and need to rest." But, you can't.
This morning alone, Michael told him to quiet down at least 10 times. At 7 in the morning. It usually goes a little something like this. "Josh, hush." "Josh, quiet please." "Josh, come on man, your mom and the babies are still sleeping." "Josh, knock it off, what did I just tell you?" "Josh, you need to stop talking." "Josh, quit making that noise." "Josh, SHUT UP!!!!!" and even then...nothing. I know he hears, cause we've done those tests too.

So, I came downstairs this morning with an epiphany. All these wasted years of me thinking that Josh's issues stem from my shitty parenting are just clouding the subject. The subject being that maybe there is something wrong with Josh. Maybe there is a neurological reason he is unable to process basic requests. Maybe it's not all about me. Maybe the people who think that I'm the reason for his behaviour can go sit and spin, since I am able to raise 3 other children rather calmly. Particularly the people who don't have children but think they have all the answers on how to raise them. So wise.
I have been ground down to the fracking bone with this child. All of my parenting resources are exhausted. No one comes with a manual, but honestly, I'm a pretty good, consistant, fair but firm mom with my other children. I've been told that I treat Josh differently. Josh is different. Not sure what I'm supposed to do with that? I'm tired of being judged. I don't have to raise my voice to Sarah. She complies. She asks a question, gets an answer, positive or negative and carries on with her day. Life does not revolve around Sarah. I don't know about the babies yet, because they're just that, babies, but neither one of them is showing the will that Josh demonstrated at 2.
So, I guess it's time to dig a little deeper. The pediatrician says he has it. I don't believe she looked deep enough. If he has it, he has it and I'm fine with that, but I'm not taking a diagnosis because a show of hands indicated that he drives them crazy too. I guess it's time to see a psychologist/psychiatrist. Things need to change. I'm going to explode if they don't. I can't bare the brunt of this responsibility any longer. I makes me so sad that when he leaves the house for school, the whole place changes. I can let my guard down. He thinks I hate him. Which is very basic, 8 year old thinking. He's wrong. I love him so much, but I can't afford to let him rule the world any longer. I love him enough to know that he doesn't have the fortitude it takes to be the commanding presence in our home. It's time for the table to turn back to their rightful places. Maybe he can find some rest in being the child? I don't know where to start, but I have a doctors appointment in mid March, so that might be the place to get some info.
This weekend away is sooooooooooooo needed.

Monday, February 26, 2007

What a month!

Woo! The month started with an unexpected set of visitors. A friend of mine from my twin message board needed to be admitted to the hospital. She doesn't have much in the way of support from family - so I really felt a huge NUDGE and POKE to help her. I drove out to Ponoka and met her for the first time. My intention was to encourage her to let me take her kids back to my house so that she could go to the hospital.
Understandably, she wasn't comfortable with that, so I brought her and her 4 year old twins back home with me. The hope was that a hospital here in Edmonton would admit her. After 3 days of sitting in emergency waiting rooms and getting the news that they don't admit for infections, we headed back to get her settled in the Ponoka hospital. By this time she was comfortable that we didn't run a babyskin lampshade making factory - so she agreed to leave her babes with us.
We had the kids from the 5th to the 17th. It was a long run. They were very happy to see their mommy. We had a 5th birthday party for them while they were here. It was an interesting social experiment. I was really impressed with my kids and their tenacity. And generosity. And patience. It was a good thing for me to be able to see that I must be doing something right. A very God filled experience.

Now we have the flu. Sarah went down first. Then it hit me. Then Meghan. Now Josh. Slowly, but surely it's working it's way through the house :( It's not fair for the mom to get it until the end. I truly feel like a zombie. Michael has had a ton of deadlines - so he's been as helpful as he can be - in a distracted, disinterested sort of way.

I just need to be better for Thursday. Doesn't even matter if I'm better for Thursday...I'm going on my weekend. Annie and I are going to Canmore for the weekend. She's flying in from Winnipeg and we're staying at the Fire Mountain lodges - lovely.

Michael is going to the University of Lethbridge's Edmonton campus tomorrow for a job interview. We're really hoping that he'll get a job at the University. We both think it might be time for a real job (not that Devbox isn't a real job) with real benefits and hours and structure. This owning your own business thing can be pretty insidious in the way it can take over a we'll see. There are a lot of things we both like about the idea. We'll be closer to the mountains and Waterton. It's easier to get to Calgary, where Michael's family is. No snow. Mountains. No snow. Better real estate. Mountains. No snow. You know, stuff like that.

Anyway...that's this month's update. Been a little too crazy to keep up!

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Can you imagine

if we could read each other's minds??? Eeek!! I shudder when I think of this.
When I first started watching Heros, they have the Shaun from Felicity/Alias guy who reads minds. That would just be freaky.

I live with a man who wouldn't say shit if his mouth was full of it. Bonus for me. I'm a nasty little prick, most of the time, and if I could tap into what he really thinks. Zoinks! I just know it wouldn't be good.

I have a son who I love, but struggle with. I'm pretty sure he thinks I hate him. I'm pretty sure he hates me because of it. But, I get to blissfully skip along, tapping into this reality when I want to and ignoring it when I don't. What if I heard his thoughts when I'm bullying him - yet again??

I have a daughter who is beautiful and kind, like her daddy. She just wants everyone to get along and everything to be happy. Like her daddy. But, it's not the way it is. What if I could hear how much my ranting and raving and crying affects her??

Then there's the babes. Seemingly unaware, but just know that's not true. I've had enough kids to know how much I'm affecting them. Every little thing I do is AWESOME and worthy of copying. That's encouraging now isn't it. Uhhh, don't copy me, copy someone else. Anyone else. Just not me. I wouldn't want to swim around in those thoughts, knowing that I'm creating a cesspool of how poorly to treat others, particularly the ones that love you.

And then of course, what if they could hear my thoughts? It wouldn't be pretty. I wish I could take a magic pill to get me out of my head. I've lived inside this musty, old, chemically deficient, thing for too many years. How do you go from being a total depressive/self-absorbed/crazy person to someone who just hucks it all and lives in the moment. I like my head. It's comfy in here. There's a lot of old familiar faces, ones I don't get to see on the outside. Ones I don't want to let go of. But at what cost?? When there's all these faces standing at the window, trying to peek in, so they could maybe, just maybe get a glimpse of their mommy, while she pathetically rambles around with her ghosts and her regrets and her memories.