that all I've done lately is relax. What with the Saturday of leisure and the Thursday of the Full Body Rub Down (where's a cloud9 emoticon when you need one?)
But, I gotta tell ya. Lately, I've been held together by one soggy piece of duct tape and a paper clip. So, this is something that has to be done - for the safety of my family and my self.
I'm thankful that I can do it. I wasn't able to do any of these things a few years ago...but I'm really thankful to be in a place where it's not a matter of decompressing versus groceries.
I saw a new doctor this past Wednesday. She sent me for blood tests. Part of the coming apart at the seams thing has to do with my missing thyroid gland. Things have been even worse since it's come out. There was a brief reprieve, when I started some new meds...but all in all - I'm unraveling quickly and with a house full of children and a puppy (where's a bang your head against the wall emoticon when you need one?) there isn't a whole lot of room for error.
This new doctor, Dr. Deborah Andrew, sent me for blood work. 7 vials of bloodwork, I might add, and I'm sooooo hopeful that she will be able to help me find some closure on this damn problem. She refused to prescribe me an anti-depressant. She doesn't feel it's necessary to keep trying the same thing over and over again - since it hasn't worked in the past. Interesting. I'm used to being written a script and ta da - I'm done. Every damn time I'm given a script - I walk out of the doctors office with this little white piece of hope. And every damn time - I walk back in without any results. 7 antidepressants later - here we are. A doctor who isn't interested in the easy/obvious fix. Especially, since it hasn't ever fixed. (where's a sigh emoticon when you need it?)
I'm encouraged. I'm hopeful (with a dash of leery). She recommended a book called The Mood Cure. I've been reading it and am completely blown away by it's accuracy to my case. I'm at a stage in my life and health, where I'd do anything - eat desiccated dog poo even - if it was going to help me feel well and enjoy my life and not ruin my family with my extreme, unmanageable mood swings. I'm curious to see what these 7 vials of blood have to say. She's checked things that have never been looked at before. They happily yanked my thyroid gland, without so much as a visit to an endocrinologist and now, FINALLY, someone is going to act like a scientist and actually try to help me.
I'm angry and I'm bitter at the whole damn health care system (at least the part I've had contact with.) because of their lack of curiosity. Their desire to just pump us through, because they have to see 30 more people this a.m. to make their quota (I don't even know if that's true, but it certainly seems like it.) I've been to doctors that I've walked in, told them what I thought was wrong, and they prescribed something - without barely an upward glance. (where's a suspicious/paranoid emoticon when you need it?). And, now, with this book, and this new doctor, it's looking like a lot of concerns I have can be addressed and dealt with nutritionally and with amino acids. And not amino acids forever, amino acids until my seratonin, catecholamines (dopamine, norepinephrine and adrenaline), adrenals and endorphine levels are returned to their rightful place. This is all. It just seems fecking insane to me. That I know people who have had electro-shock therapy because of such severe depression - and I can almost guarantee, no one has checked these brain functions on them. This is too holisitic-y. Too out there. Too cheap in the long run (where's the roll my eyes emoticon when I need it?)
So, anyway....I just wanted to spill all that. I'm going to consider this year, 2007, my Journey to Wholeness year. There's so much more too it - this is the tip of the iceberg - but you gotta start somewhere and this is where. I think that if I could actually get some energy and some joi d'vivre - I might be able to face the other obstacles that stand in my way of being the person I was meant to be. The wife I was meant to be. The mother I was meant to be. The friend...the freakin' next door neighbour...you get the picture.
If you're reading and are a praying person - please pray for me. I can't right now...it's one of my hurdles. But I believe in the healing power of prayer. I believe in praying for wisdom and guidance. I would really appreciate any prayers or kind, positive thoughts you would put out there for me. I need them. My family needs them. We're a bunch of hurting units right now and it's going to be an interesting journey.