Thursday, February 01, 2007

Can you imagine

if we could read each other's minds??? Eeek!! I shudder when I think of this.
When I first started watching Heros, they have the Shaun from Felicity/Alias guy who reads minds. That would just be freaky.

I live with a man who wouldn't say shit if his mouth was full of it. Bonus for me. I'm a nasty little prick, most of the time, and if I could tap into what he really thinks. Zoinks! I just know it wouldn't be good.

I have a son who I love, but struggle with. I'm pretty sure he thinks I hate him. I'm pretty sure he hates me because of it. But, I get to blissfully skip along, tapping into this reality when I want to and ignoring it when I don't. What if I heard his thoughts when I'm bullying him - yet again??

I have a daughter who is beautiful and kind, like her daddy. She just wants everyone to get along and everything to be happy. Like her daddy. But, it's not the way it is. What if I could hear how much my ranting and raving and crying affects her??

Then there's the babes. Seemingly unaware, but damn...you just know that's not true. I've had enough kids to know how much I'm affecting them. Every little thing I do is AWESOME and worthy of copying. That's encouraging now isn't it. Uhhh, don't copy me, copy someone else. Anyone else. Just not me. I wouldn't want to swim around in those thoughts, knowing that I'm creating a cesspool of how poorly to treat others, particularly the ones that love you.

And then of course, what if they could hear my thoughts? It wouldn't be pretty. I wish I could take a magic pill to get me out of my head. I've lived inside this musty, old, chemically deficient, thing for too many years. How do you go from being a total depressive/self-absorbed/crazy person to someone who just hucks it all and lives in the moment. I like my head. It's comfy in here. There's a lot of old familiar faces, ones I don't get to see on the outside. Ones I don't want to let go of. But at what cost?? When there's all these faces standing at the window, trying to peek in, so they could maybe, just maybe get a glimpse of their mommy, while she pathetically rambles around with her ghosts and her regrets and her memories.

4 comments:

Shiny Beamer said...

Oh my word! that was an amazing post. seriously. it moved me.

domesticvixen said...

So, just what am I thinking?

I think I'd be locked up in the deepest darkest dungeon if people really knew what was brewing up in these brains of mine.
Yeah, and Rob would leave me in a heartbeat.

Bag O' Beans said...

Phew - good to know I'm not alone

domesticvixen said...

Nudge.

Poke.

[scratches nails down chalkboard]