Thursday, May 10, 2007

I was thinking today about the things that are missing in my life. The parts that I have cut off or hidden or denied. Lots of these things have to do with love. Love is something that, apparently, can make the world go round...but what happens when you've been damaged by love and can't see it for the gift that it was, only for the pain that it caused. What happens when the pain, though distant, still occasionally aches or stabs? How does this effect me in my day to day??

What would happen if I stopped focusing on the pain portion of the program and stopped reliving the mistakes and just started to accept that I love. I've loved. I will continue to love. I'm a lover, dammit. I love music. There are lyrics that stop my heart. There are arrangements that give me goosebumps. I love spring. I love the air and the crispness. I love flowers, from the most delicate to the most hardy. Just like people. I've loved lots of people. Lots of them don't even know I loved them. I've loved facets of people that I didn't even like. I love deeply. I love HARD. I love daily. But, when I pretend that I've only ever loved one person, I become a liar and pieces of my heart get closed off. How am I supposed to continue loving through thick and thin if I'm so willing and able to pretend that some of the greatest love I've ever felt or ever given didn't happen. Why not just cut my loses and give up today too? I reduce my capacity to get through the hard days if I shut down areas of my heart and feel shamed by them instead of thankful for the opportunity to grow in that kind of way.

So, what do I do about this??? I dunno. It's totally against our christian led culture to embrace your past. I feel like I'm supposed to be ashamed of having not "saved" myself for my husband. I was 29 for crissake. Lotsa luck. But, is it shameful? Is it something that I should have to bury away and act like it never happened?? Am I the best me I can be if I treat the experiences that shaped me, made me, taught me, as useless and worthy of discarding?? I dunno?

Such lofty thoughts for a bored suburban housewife.

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