Saturday, December 02, 2006

Christmas Ponderings

You know, working in retail for years really has taken a toll on my Christmas spirit. I'm not a big Christmas gal. Then there's the challenging stuff that always comes with Christmas. Seems like my heart is always just about ready to break for the whole month of December. I have so many wonderful memories of family and tradition from my childhood and it's been really difficult to recreate those - especially since there really is no one who wants any part of it.

I miss having family that is just down the street. I miss having people who want to see us and are excited to have us spend the holidays with them. I find this time of year the loneliest.

We're very lucky, we have some very good friends who invite us EVERY year to spend Christmas with them. It's so generous. But somehow, it makes the loneliness even more real.
I know that not everyone wants to spend this holiday season steeped in traditions, but ya know, it gets hard being the only one who makes a turkey and attempts to make it happen. I'm just not Martha enough to get it done well. And then there is the factor of spending the time with just the 6 of us. I'm used to 20ish people. We don't have 20ish people, but isn't this time of year supposed to be for family??

It would be so nice to have an invitation - we've never once been invited to participate in DH's side of the families Christmas celebration. They do a year on and a year off, which is how lots of people go about it, but, from my knowledge, we've never been invited. I don't know if Michael just hasn't told me. Family lives only 3 hours away.
In the past, when we've had less kids, we would drive 15 hours to spend the holidays with my family. But, never once 3 hours. It hurts my feelings in such a deep way.

I think emotions are just really high this time EVERY year because Michael and I both have birthdays and then boom Christmas and it somehow rips open wounds we ignore throughout the rest of the year. He's a bear. He's miserable. EVERY Christmas. He doesn't talk about why, but I would venture to guess that he feels lonely and left out too. There just doesn't seem to be a plausible explanation for it, other than we're just left out. And, I don't think anybody fares well with that feeling.

So, we try, I try to make something happen for the kids. But, I'm not very good when my heart is broken. Michael tries to pick up my slack, but he's not very good when his heart is broken. So, we try. And we'll try again this year. Maybe Char and Mike will come and spend Christmas Day dinner with us. I hope so. It makes me feel like someone wants to make memories with us.



Doerkenstein said...

I think more people feel this way, but don't really share it. You know I struggle with this time of year. I seem to put a lot of pressure on myself to enjoy christmas...the truth, i don't. I will keep you in my thoughts, and prayers. I'd love to have you all here for the holidays, but sadly 15 hours is a long haul. Keep on keepin' on.

Shiny Beamer said...

I gotta say, I've been Bah Humbuggin' my way through Christmas for years! Not only is it the busiest, craziest time of the year, I also feel that loneliness you were writing about. It's not that we're not invited to family for Christmas, though - I really feel your pain on that. How very hurtful. But our families are in Winnipeg and Germany and Josh cannot take Christmas off until we hire a second full-time pastor (and last time I checked, we are not a mega-church so that won't be happening). Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I feel for you and with you. May God wrap His arms around you this season and make you feel HIS love in a new and really palpable way.

Bag O' Beans said...

Thanks to you both :)

It always seems better to find out you're not alone.