I adore this shot

Spray park!

New listing

We've put our house on the market. I've had a slew of friends support and help me during the preparation time. Char, Susan, Lorraine, Marcy, Lois, Miriam, Sherry, Sumeet and Sunny have been INCREDIBLY helpful. I would be rocking in a corner, like one of those little monkeys taken away from it's Mommy if I didn't have them!

90% of our home is in the garage.

Our house looks great. But, there's no trace of 4 children. Me thinks the kids are going to get a lot of outdoor time this summer. Those damn mosquitoes better stop eating my baby boy :(

Time for yourself

What does that mean when you have a busy family?? I can barely get a mouthful of food without someone swarming me. I have been tasked with an assignment to carve out more time for myself. I think the key for me is to be intentional. Make the time, take the time, savour the time. It's not that I don't get away. Michael is really good at letting me bolt if I have to, but it's not necessarily a recharging time because I don't do anything that will recharge me...ya know??

I think I need to start drawing again. Or writing. Or singing. Some of the most relaxing, recharging times have been singing with Miriam and Mike. Just playing around with harmonies and learning to hear things with a different ear and take some chances. I miss having music in my life. One of my biggest fears about my thyroid surgery was the potential risk of permanent damage to the vocal chords. Thankfully, that didn't happen, but a little over a year later, things are still repairing. I don't have the range that I had and it wasn't like I was a freaking chanteuse or anything, but I knew what I could do and could do it confidently...now I try and when I get there, the bottom falls out and that's weird.

I would love to have a little paint set that I could carry around with me - I could go sit in the ravine for a while and just see what I could see.

And writing. This is an outlet, but I think that this "me time" can't involve this outlet. It can be freeing and restricting all at the same time. I used to write poetry. Or at least I did for a blip in time. Not great, but kinda fun to do - way better than sudoku 8^)

So, the digging continues. Hah! Hopefully I'll have this all figured out before I die!

I've started my detox

Woohoo 8^) Well, at least the organ support portion of the program. Three weeks of getting the organs ready to excrete, then a 12 week cleansing that will be broken up into two 6 week protocols.

I'm feeling so much better in my head because of Dr. K, that I, honestly, can't wait to do this.

I see Heather tomorrow. She's an intern at the clinic and she deals with counselling and life skills. I hope to learn some new skills so that I don't feel so overwhelmed just doing the basics that this job of mine entails. I often feel like a 4 year old trying to raise a family. A fairly large family at that! I'm just not equipped...but that sure as hell doesn't help the people who rely on me everyday, now does it??

My bloodwork this month

is actually starting to reflect all the hard work I've been doing!! For the first time in - ahh - ever - my bloodwork and my symptoms are matching up. My thyroid meds are finally mimicking their long lost compadre and I am feeling decent. My B12 levels are up and in a really good place. My Vit D is still dodgy, but we're working on it and now that I know it's fat soluable and I'll take it properly (why do they do that??)
My free T3 and free T4 levels are almost perfect. This is honestly, the best doctors appointment I've had in a long time.

My adrenals are starting to get better too, so we're dropping my liothyranine med down a smidge to reflect my functioning adrenals. Liothyranine is a T3 only med, my body wasn't converting T4 into T3 because of the low adrenal function...so this is exciting news - apparently my body is starting to convert again!!

Word to the wise: DO NOT EVER LET THEM YANK ANYTHING OUT OF YOUR BODY THAT IS THERE FOR A REASON WITHOUT A SERIOUSLY GOOD EXPLANATION AND AT LEAST A SECOND OPINION. Life with a underactive/unmedicated thyroid disease was hard. Life without a thyroid gland at all...is harder. And, I am soooooo grateful that I have found a doctor who believes me and not just the numbers and thinks outside the box. If it wasn't for her and her support - I honestly think I would've committed myself already or committed something fairly heinous. My mental health was dancing really close to the edge and that is totally related to thyroid disease. It isn't always JUST depression. When every 2nd person you meet is on an antidepressant...it's time to question the system. Quick fix? Easy answer? Dunno. But, I sure am glad I took this fork in the road.

Seattle and youtube discovery

Seattle was beautiful. We were staying right on the Harbour, just up the hill from Pike's Market. Stunning city! It was wonderful to see my friends and meet the ones I hadn't met. It was all wonderful!

Now, I'm totally in love with the movie Moulin Rouge. It was on TV the other day and I tell ya, it knocks my socks off. So, in my need for some of the soundtrack I youtubed the movie and played the final "Come What May" scene. Well, dammit, the kids just crowded around the computer, absolutely mesmerized! Hot damn! Kinda like Teletubbies, but less mind numbing! So, throughout the day I tested my theory and sure enough, as soon as Nicole Kidman sung the first line, Matthew flew into the room and just stood there, glued to the screen. Life is good.

I totally get to satisty my JAM tooth too. Hours and hours of Jim Krasinski is never a bad thing!

Seattle bound

I'm on my way to Seattle on Friday. I'm meeting a bunch of twin moms that I've met over the internet. Our last trip was Chicago. I'm there until Monday. We're staying in this place www.pensionenichols.com and it's going to be lovely.

Yay!!

I was thinking today about the things that are missing in my life. The parts that I have cut off or hidden or denied. Lots of these things have to do with love. Love is something that, apparently, can make the world go round...but what happens when you've been damaged by love and can't see it for the gift that it was, only for the pain that it caused. What happens when the pain, though distant, still occasionally aches or stabs? How does this effect me in my day to day??

What would happen if I stopped focusing on the pain portion of the program and stopped reliving the mistakes and just started to accept that I love. I've loved. I will continue to love. I'm a lover, dammit. I love music. There are lyrics that stop my heart. There are arrangements that give me goosebumps. I love spring. I love the air and the crispness. I love flowers, from the most delicate to the most hardy. Just like people. I've loved lots of people. Lots of them don't even know I loved them. I've loved facets of people that I didn't even like. I love deeply. I love HARD. I love daily. But, when I pretend that I've only ever loved one person, I become a liar and pieces of my heart get closed off. How am I supposed to continue loving through thick and thin if I'm so willing and able to pretend that some of the greatest love I've ever felt or ever given didn't happen. Why not just cut my loses and give up today too? I reduce my capacity to get through the hard days if I shut down areas of my heart and feel shamed by them instead of thankful for the opportunity to grow in that kind of way.

So, what do I do about this??? I dunno. It's totally against our christian led culture to embrace your past. I feel like I'm supposed to be ashamed of having not "saved" myself for my husband. I was 29 for crissake. Lotsa luck. But, is it shameful? Is it something that I should have to bury away and act like it never happened?? Am I the best me I can be if I treat the experiences that shaped me, made me, taught me, as useless and worthy of discarding?? I dunno?

Such lofty thoughts for a bored suburban housewife.

Midlife crisis

I think I'm going through one.

So much has changed and yet so much remains the same. I feel the same emotionally as I did a million years ago, but physically, things don't jive.

I've spent 8, almost 9 years at home raising children. We both agreed at the onset, that I would raise our kids. We didn't factor in a set of twins, so there was an unspoken expectation that I would be free from oppression as of September, when Sarah started grade one. But, that's not necessarily the way it's going to be.

I feel like I don't contribute anything of value to the family. I feel like I play this role of "mother" and she's truly a role. I don't think I'm this impatient and angry and bitter and frustrated...but the character is...and I must wear her each day.
Is she easier to put on because I've allowed myself to become a shadow of my former self?? Was my former self even developed fully enough to survive this foray into selflessness? Would I feel like more of a viable human being and less of a leech if I had a job?? Went to school?? Tuned into my creative side??? Who knows?? Not I.

I feel like my body is deceiving me. I'm much to young and vital to look and feel this tired and spent. I have an expectation when I look in the mirror and it's gone. I'm trying to do what I can to reclaim it, but the lines and grey hairs won't go away no matter how perfectly I follow Weight Watchers plan. I feel like I've lost my sparkle. I think I had a sparkle. I remember a sparkle. I feel like maybe it's been smeared in baby poop and lost at the bottom of a toy box. Or maybe, it's in the lint tray of the dryer after the 13th load of wash.

I just don't know.

I was talking with a friend about deconstructing myself. Chipping away the undesirable bits and pieces until...what was left was a mutilated version of the truth. I did it when I was dating. So desperate to be liked, so desperate to be loved, that I hid away whatever piece of me I didn't think was attractive to homme du jour. Luckily, I had some experiences just prior to meeting Mick that put me back on track. But, now I've realized I'm doing it again. Letting pieces of myself die off because they're not appropriate for a "mommy". Throwing away remnants of my past because I'm ashamed that my daughters might come across Mom's 20-something journals and be disgusted and embarrassed that their mother was ever that desperate or confused or just plain sexual. So, the deconstruction continues. Why can't I just be solid in the fact that I was what I was. I am what I am. This journey continues and it's in the mistakes and the blips and the embarrassments that the most wisdom is realized. If I'm okay with who I was at 8, why not 18, why not 28, 38, 48, 58??
Somewhere peace has to be realized.

I know damn good and well that I was not happy with my reflection at 27. I didn't see the sparkle. I didn't see what was right in front of me because I was too busy looking back at 17. I have to come to terms with the sands of time at some point in my life and start living in the present instead of looking over my shoulder to see if the past has had some sort of differnet ending.

Whoa, this was almost theraputic.

Waiting games

are irritating and frustrating and generally not okay for an impatient person.

Tension

You can cut it with a knife.

I hate that.

Our first step

I saw Dr. K today. She went over all my test results and determined that the first step needs to be getting my endocrine system repaired. My body is really fatigued from years of misdiagnosed Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. Dr. K doesn't want to move quickly. She said she wants me to start feeling better before she starts the heavy duty stuff. She said that I would hate her if she didn't start slowly. So, I have a whole schwack of homeopathic medications and supplements that I have to start taking, as well as a diet plan for parasympathetic metabolic types (that's me).

There are a lot of other issues. My body isn't really processing anything properly. I had a heavy metals urine test today. No heavy metals were detected. But, my electrodermal screening indicated that I have high levels of heavy metals in my body. Dr. K suspects that my system is so sluggish that it's not even trying to excrete them anymore. My liver is completely congested. As well as pretty much every other filter - so that's going to be coming up. I guess there's a certain amount of purging that goes on and I'm just not in a position of strength to deal with that.

She had some interesting information about my root canal. Also my silver filings. And we got into how our life experiences can cause physical problems. It seems kind of flighty, but nobody denies that when you're nervous your stomach plays games. Or stress can bring on headaches...really just the same concept. I suspect that my inability to let things go in my life is the main culprit behind why my body is unable to let things go. My emotional issues are manifesting themselves in my body.

I start tomorrow. I can't wait!

The costs outweigh the benefits

I left the house this morning. I know, I know...that shouldn't be newsworthy, but since having the babies I try to avoid it at all costs. Sadly, I'm a really social person. I really lose something when I'm locked in the house all day. But, I've done it to myself. I just can't manage taking them out. There's two of them. Do you realize that?? There is one of me and two of them. The numbers ain't lookin' good. And, most days I feel like only 1/2 because my energy level is so gibbled...so really, it's just a lose/lose/lose situation.

But anyway...we left the house this morning. We went to a ladies brunchy thing. There was daycare. Now that's a win/win/win situation. As we were leaving the daycare Meghan was crying. The woman kindly told me to not worry about her, she'd be okay...LOL...funny how your empathy/compassion goes right down the shitter with 4 kids. I know she'll be fine. She's got her gangie and her brother...there's not much else she needs. I didn't think twice.

Then we got home. My friend helped me unload them from the van. Matthew beetled off towards the slew that is our backyard - so I unload Meg, notice where Matthew is headed, put her on the ground and start for him. Dumb, dumb, dumb...Meghan took off - almost like she was saying "see ya suckers" - before you knew it she was 6 houses away - I'm hollering for Sarah to go catch her, cause this old ass can't run as fast as a toddler, particularly not a Meg toddler. I grab Matthew. Sarah grabs Meg. We come in house. Sarah puts my purse on the floor. 30 seconds later the contents are strewn across the landing and Matthew is doodling in my chequebook. Sigh.

So, the moral of the story is that the costs of taking them places seems to outweigh the benefits of staying home where it's safe and a controlled environment.

Sadly, we all really need more time out of the house. Anyone know any good cloners?? Hell, I don't even need a good one...just any one will do.

Medical mysteries continue

I saw Dr. A today. My TSH level last month was 24 (anything over 2 being bad). This month it was .03. Anything under 2 being bad. So, last month I was extremely hypo...this month hyper. What the hell??? Luckily, this doctor actually looks beyond the numbers. Plus, she also checks my Free T3 and Free T4 levels, which give a much more accurate reading of what's going on. My TSH levels have been reading normal for years. I KNOW that they haven't been, but the doctors I've seen won't look past the data. If Dr. A were following protocol, she would have to lower my dosages right now. I'm just starting to feel a little better, but my old doctor would've had a knee jerk reaction to this new lab result and pulled the rug out from under me. Thank god I've found this doctor - who actually furrows her brow and actively tries to figure out this puzzle. I figure my health is a big old puzzle of blue sky. All the pieces look like they should go together...but they don't :(

I also made a call and have an appointment to see Dr. K. She does something called European Biological Medicine. I love alternative medicine. LOVE LOVE LOVE it. I love investigating the mind/body/spirit connection. I love thinking outside the box. I love being an active participant in my healing. I love the idea that I can be healthy without filling my body full of pharmaceuticals. I'll happily take my thyroid medications. I can't live without them...but for a lot of my other "issues", I really need to look deeper.

5 weeks ago I was in Dr. A's office with Michael, blubbering about how I needed to see a psychiatrist and psychologist and get on meds. I just need something to make me feel better NOW! I could even understand how people could commit themselves. I felt that bad. Of course the insane thyroid level was a huge contributing factor, but I didn't know it at the time. Dr. A didn't just write me a script for antidepressants and anti-psychotics and sleeping pills. She saw through the hysterics and tried to address the root. And, by prescribing me a higher dosage of thyroid and starting me on a T3 only med Liothyronin...things improved. No psychotropic drugs necessary. For me - this is good news. I needed someone to keep a level head and stay the course that I agreed I wanted to be on when I started to see her. I think I have a crush on her. :P

So, the mystery continues, but hopefully things will continue to improve :)

The first time they held hands :tearsjoy:

Papa's new puppy - Sam

Tea for Two

And the race is on....

Running at Auntie Carrie and Uncle Dustin's mountain house.

Nice looking seatbelt :)

Enjoying the carousel at Chinook Centre in Calgary. I love that face!!