Maintenance Monday

I'm into semantics.  "Cleaning" makes me feel like I have to start from scratch and frankly, that's just too daunting on a Monday.  So, I've decided that I prefer "maintain".  Indicating that it's been DONE it just needs a little tweaking. 
I worked all weekend, and DH had a photo shoot last night (two models, make up artist, two assistants in my kitchen) - so let's just say it's gonna take some tweaking as opposed to tweaking, but it's still more achievable than that awful word "cleaning".

Bedtime Routines

Every night we sing to the "babies".  We sing the ABC's and Twinkle Twinkle.  Which I'll have you know is the SAME tune!  Who knew?  Sadly, I did not know until my 40th year.  Almost embarrassing to admit.
Tonight, I stepped outside the box and included Deep and Wide and I Will Make You Fishers of Men.  We have a kids CD by Arlen Salte from one of the Breakforth conferences I went to and he does a fun version of both of those songs together - a "mash-up" if you will.  Matthew just loved it and quickly started doing the movements to go with it.  I'd completely forgotten that they'd performed at a preschool concert.  Time to dig that old CD out and start playing it for these guys.

4 kids + Saturday morning = Serenity

 BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  NOT!

I'm sitting in my CLEAN (still) bedroom, listening to the mass chaos and contemplating a coffee.  Ooooh, I'm gonna try this and see how it goes...
"Hey Sarah, wanna bring mom a coffee?"
That's my girl.  She's doing it!  And she thinks it's a treat!  I'm torn between coughing *sucker* or just saying Thanks.  I suppose thanks will get me a second cup.

DD is still on a cooking kick.  She made pancakes again this a.m. for everyone.  Dad was particularly excited by this turn of events.  I am a lot of things, but a morning person ain't anywhere on that list - so he was thrilled to get a hot breakfast he didn't have to make himself.  I also, shhhh, don't tell anyone, HATE pancakes.  So, when I do make a hot breakfast it must consist of eggs, bacon, potatoes and bread.  Now THAT'S something to wake up for.

And now we've got the Glee soundtrack playing in the living room.  It's almost like organized chaos out there.  It's probably because I'm not there.  I seem to bring the cuckoo out in everyone.  Maybe I'll play my Journey cassette for them later today and they can hear how Don't Stop Believin' is really supposed to sound.  :P

Getting back into the swing of things

I did it.  I reduced my hours to part time!  The first of February was my first day of reduced hours.  What a difference it has already made!

I've reclaimed my home!
I've reclaimed my kids!
I'm reclaiming my marriage!

The older kids have the week off from school and it's been nice to spend some time with them.  Sarah made us pancakes this morning.  Josh is helping with heavy lifting/furniture moving and laundry.  Best thing I've ever done is take a few minutes to show him how to work the washer!  Sarah separates the colours and Josh does the wash.  Then Matthew brings up the baskets of dry clothes and Meghan helps me put them all away.  Almost like team work!

I spent the afternoon shoveling out my pathetic excuse for a Master Bedroom.  It's become a dumping ground - like so many master bedrooms I know.  It houses ridiculous amounts of unfolded/grown out of/out of season/unmatched clothing - so I took the time to deal with it.  Once and for all.  I also moved all of the toys/books/lego that seem to migrate into our space.  Then I moved onto the master bath.  It needed a SERIOUS cleaning.  I'm talking toothbrush in the nooks and crannies kinda SERIOUS.  But, it looks great now and it smells great and I'm tellin' ya....*I WILL NOT LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN*  Especially since I know that it takes a whopping 15 minutes, at the most, to straighten both rooms.

You know what else I did.  I actually stamped a card!  I actually felt like I could stamp a card.  Usually I'm so overwhelmed and undermotivated that I don't feel like I have the right to sit down and do something I enjoy.

It's going to take a while for me to get everything back under control.  I haven't even tackled the basement yet - but it's getting there.  And tomorrow is another day.  A little maintenance and a little motivation is all I need.

Pros and Cons

All that really means, in my head, is a breakdown of the previous year.  Successes, failures, room for improvement.  I'm not necessarily a "resolution" gal, but I am a checks and balances gal and find that I'm monitoring myself throughout the year anyway - this is just an opportunity to sit down and really LOOK.  Kinda like tax time.  Sure, you keep the receipts, but you really only delve into them once a year.

So, what's gone on in 2009?  I worked out of the home for the first time since becoming a wife and mom.  It is very fulfilling.  I enjoy it like I enjoy breathing.  It's sooooooo much easier than being a SAHM.  I just got through my first Christmas back in retail and I survived, singing Christmas carols all the way.  I was pretty anxious about Boxing Day, but then I realized, the last time I worked a Boxing Day was at West Edmonton Mall...you could pack the entirety of Lethbridge into the mall and still have less people than WEM would on Boxing Day.  It was all good.

What else has happened?  My son is 11, my daughter is 8 and my twins turn 5 in a minute and a half.  Wow!  That's just crazy business.

My husband became a photographer.  He is awesome.  www.michaelwarf.com  I guess he actually decided in October of 2008 to pursue photography, but in his typical way, he pursues and accomplishes all at the same time.  He had a few weddings last summer and has a couple booked for 2010.

I, finally, have the majority of my hormonal/medicinal/thyroidal issues dealt with.  Give or take a week of roller coaster every month.  This is in comparison to a week of feeling good.  I'll take the former.

I lost my way.

My family is floundering.

My marriage is on the verge of disintegration.

My home is a shambles.

How many checks on the PRO side do I have now?  Somehow, when those things are on your list, the PRO side becomes decidedly CON.

What do I do about it?  I could keep doing what I'm doing.  Being personally fulfilled and finding contentment outside of these four walls.  But, what about the rest of them?  What do I do about them while I'm feeding my own needs?  That is where the focus needs to be for 2010.  Re-prioritizing.  I'm living this lovely little self-absorbed life right now.  Leaving Michael with the brunt of the responsibility.  Trying to smoosh a week of the important stuff into a two day period.

It's not working.

If I'm pursuing a career outside of the home, who's pursing a career INSIDE the home?  4 kids is a full-time job.  The proper care and feeding of 4 developing human beings is not something I can do in an hour before they go to school and an hour before they go to bed.  Others may be able to.  I can't.

Time to rethink it all.  It's not just about me.  CRAP!  I'm so good at doing things just for me.  But I made the conscious decision to bring these kids into the world and I have to now make the conscious decision to do right by them.  All. The. Time.

Cursed change!

My new doctor

I've been seeing a Dr. in a smallish town 2 hours away from me. He specializes in thyroid disease and complementary medicine. He is an allopath, a dentist, an accupuncturist, a master herbologist, has a designation in chinese medicine and is working towards his full designation as whatever a chinese medicineologist would be called :D

He's doubled my existing thyroid medication. Added in an adrenal supplement as well as B-complex, vitamin C and magnesium. All helpful in healing the adrenals.

Let me just say it again - I LOVE doctors who look beyond the numbers. My numbers tend to suck - so they do look at them, but the regular doctors just never look past the numbers to ask the question "why do they suck so badly?" Why do I swing like a pendulum? Something has to be off, some underlying support system keeps dropping the ball.

Anywho, I'm excited. I am back to taking 1,000,000 pills a day. But, I remember that the best health time of my last decade was when I was seeing Dr. K and Dr. A and taking 1,000,000 pills and tinctures a day. Last time I checked vitamins and minerals are actually required for your body to work properly.

Whoo Hoo!!

New glasses

I don't have a very strong prescription, but these help with eyestrain a lot.

I also finished getting all the colour out of my hair. Yay.

I have a master plan, but the first step was getting it back to it's natural colour.

Crazy dreams

I occasionally get these "blast from the past" dreams. I'm sure everyone does (I tell myself that to stay sane.) Dreams where you can see, hear, smell, and touch the object of the dream. Sometimes it sets my day on it's ear. I get to see people that I will always adore. And, I saw them as they would be today, not as they're locked in my memory banks - 20 years younger.

It was crazy, it was awesome, it was heart yanking, it was bittersweet, it was an all encompassing emotional ride that I wasn't conscious for. All I'm left with when I finally come to is a strange combination of happiness from being visited and unsettledness for knowing that I will never, realistically, ever see these people again.

Makes for a mixed bag of feelings at 6:30 a.m.

Hopefully, coffee will chase some of the mixture away.

I'm a felon

Nice. We got our 2% Costco Executive Membership reward coupon in the mail the other day.
Somebody slammed it in the bank and went to get groceries.

Then all of a sudden, our account is in the red??? Confused? You betcha.

I guess I should've looked a little harder and noticed the word *COUPON* and not cheque like in previous years. Oops. Is oops a viable defense for theft?

Add robber to my impressive resume. Oy.

This is me and the kids and my new haircut. I thought the jelly would add a nice textural quality to the image, so we smeared it all over their faces. I think it adds a certain jenasayquaw? (that's as good as my french is - I apologize to Mrs What'sherface that failed me in Grade 8)

So, there's the mandatory picture. Now what?? It's been a long time. It's spring. I like spring. My child who is allergic to every possible environmental allergen known to man (minus dogs and cats) does not like spring. Damn eczema.
Spring feels like a time for new beginnings. I always feel a little more hopeful in spring. I look forward to the growth that spring can bring. I'm a hound for growth. I feel like I'm on this never ending quest for Peace. Peace isn't really my best friend. We've met each other a few times, but we tend to be more casual acquaintances than anything else. I want to take it to the next level with Peace. I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to woo Peace, but I will get it and I will make it mine. Mark my words.

I've gone through a very cathartic weekend. Excellent for the soul. Nudges me towards Peace just a little bit more. It almost feels like a blockage that didn't allow my air to get all the way down to my belly has been removed. I'm a little more lighthearted. I'm a little more relieved. I'm a little less guilty and I feel comfort. Good things for me to feel. Cause sometimes my innards can be more like a sack o'potatoes than anything else. And if this teeny tiny lightening of my spirit is any indication of what I'm after....damn when I finally nab that Peace for my own, it's going to heaven.

My kids

like brussel sprouts. Who knew?

Twins Turn Three

well, they did already, but whatever - better late than never

Calories don't count till January - then they double

I've been working in the kitchen, all my live long days...

Today I have made:
Caramel Popcorn Twists
Nuts & Bolts
Butter Tarts
Buckeyes (the peanut butter ball part anyway)
Toblerone Shortbread
Crab dip
Taco scoop
Spinach dip
Liver spread (don't knock it till you've tried it)
Green onion dip

Still to come:
Bon Ton Tarts
another batch of Toblerone Shortbread
dipping the Buckeyes

Contemplating:
Oreo Fudge

I think I've made 6 batches of the Twists. The teachers all got some, I had a secret snack exchange, a batch for the lady who drives Josh and Sarah to school...it is a favourite. And, so freakin' yummy that it should be illegal.

Go ME!!

Acceptance?

A few years ago, my doctor told me I had fibromyalgia. I had been dealing with this feeling of having run a million miles and my muscles were just aching and I felt like I'd been dragged behind a bus. I wasn't sleeping well. I had no memory. My hands would fall asleep for no reason. I would have to make repeated urgent trips to the loo - delightful...and I would get knock me to my knees headaches from the smell of any aerosol cleaner or heaven forbid, a glade plug in. I remember the babies climbing on my lap and yelping in pain because their little feet hurt me so badly (all 18 lbs of little feet). None of it made a lot of sense. I thought maybe depression? But, my doctor did some investigating and performed a few little touch tests - pressure tests - apparently there are a potential 18 points on the body that would be tender if lightly pressed on - I was in tears.

So, the diagnosis was fibro. The treatment was pain medication and an old school anti-depressant that had a side effect of drowsiness. I played along. For a while. Pretty much poo-pooing the whole thing. I thought it was undermedicated thyroid disease. So, I had my thyroid medicated. Then I had my thyroid removed. Then I medicated some more, cause now I can't live without the stuff. I am still brought to my knees with this out of the blue pain. This strange phenomenon of feeling like I've participated in an Ironman competition - without the medal or the personal best.

I'm having one of these attacks right now. I feel HORRIBLE. I feel like I'm walking in neck deep concrete. I ache. I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. Pain meds don't really do anything. I want to crawl into a hole, but I can't, cause there's too much to do and too many people to do it for. Christmas is coming. I have things to do. I have things to prepare. The only upside of this thing is that I occasionally get a boost in the evening...but then that just perpetuates the problem. Stay up too late, push my body to do things it's asking me not to do, wake up feeling like a bag of crap. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I would really like to just pretend it's not true. That it isn't happening. That I don't have to deal with it. But, every 6 months or so - it rears it's ugly head and demands to be recognized and attended to. And, I hate it for that.

Christmas Spirit?

Christmas usually brings a whole gaggle of angst. Lots of expectations. Lots of disappointments. And, that's just the stuff I put on myself - never mind going out into the big world. Family relations are expected THIS month - they don't happen any other month, but somehow it always stings more this month. In fact, as I write this I realize that I must've started blogging a year ago. Same theme, same topic...but this year, I'm strangely calm. It is what it is. I've reconciled myself to the reality. Nice feeling. Part of the reconciliation may just come from the move. We're in our new house. I love our new house. I love our new house decorated for Christmas. And, we (me) have decided that there will be no more travel. We will be here. Santa comes here, not to a Super 8. I can throw a turkey in the oven with the best of 'em (thanks to my friend Marguerite's tips). Come one, come all - cause I ain't leavin!

And, I'm on top of things. I've baked and baked and baked and baked. I've wrapped gifts and they're under the tree. I've cleaned. Not that you can tell, but I have. I have my Christmas dinner list and plan on doing things in advance so that when it's time, I can sit and visit and talk and laugh and love and enjoy - I'm looking so forward to that.

By golly, I do believe I'm getting my Christmas Spirit back. It's only taken 9 years. Retail will suck the life out of it and leave it for dead on the side of the road. It's nice to listen to Christmas music IN DECEMBER. It's nice to see Christmas trees IN DECEMBER. It's nice to not have to be yelled at by some yutz who's mad at you because they didn't get their poop in a group. See, almost a decade later and I still start twitching when I think about it. Can you have PTSD from working multiple Christmases?? I love, love, love, being free from that :)

Christmas Pics

Lunch at the diner

Mmmmmm poutine. We went to the Red Dog Diner for lunch. The littles and I picked up Daddy. The bigs had school, awww. Obviously, Matthew needs a haircut, but that will have to wait till he agrees with me. And I was giving Michael the "leave me alone I'm eating" look - but it just looks like I'm trying to prove where the kids got their big eyes from :)


These kids don't even need cheese curds to make them delicious. YUM!!!

Is it time??

They don't look naughty, do they??


Sheesh, you'd think I was busy or something. I've found myself with a pesky extra hour to do with as I please.

Fallin' back is one of my favourite things. Except when 2 two-year-olds won't sleep. And you have company. And the two-year-olds bedroom is right beside the guests sleeping quarters (aka family room floor - it's luxury baybee). And you take said two-year-olds to your bed. And you, foolishly, think that the little buggers are going to sleep. And you, optimistically, think that thought for approximately 3 hours. And then it's 1:49 and finally the 2 two-year-olds (who are seemingly oblivious to the amazing restraint and generosity of spirit you've shown them *for 3 hours* because they're still breathing and snoring that tiny, sweet snorfy snore that only 2 two-year-olds can snore when they're not rolled up in a carpet and stuffed under the stairs *I digress* )fall asleep. And you think Thank You Jesus and all things Holy and Good. And then it's 4:12 and 1 of the two-year-olds decides that that's good. That's it. He's DONE. And, then you curse said two-year-old under your breath, because you're not the kind of parent who would EVER dream of using expletives around your beautiful, innocent children, even after 2 hours and 15 minutes of sleep, because you channel Mary Poppins and all things Holy and Good *remember* and plus that's just plain wrong, right? And then, the second two-year-old catches wind of the impromptu party that is going on without her and POP! up she is. And you want to poke your eye out with a rusty spoon or uhm, anything you can find - like a dirty diaper...regardless, it wouldn't be pretty...and they stay up. Until noon. Noon o'clock. Which was one o'clock the day before. And you're pretty sure you've been up for 1,000,000 hours give or take a few, cause you're old and these beautiful children are making you older by the minute. And now, cause you have an extra hour - you need to grocery shop. Cause there ain't no rest for the wicked and apparently, even though life can be mind numbingly boring these days, it's becoming increasingly obvious that in the immortal words of the lovely and pure Maria Von Trapp..."somewhere in my youth or childhood...I must've done something REALLY REALLY BAD" *yawn*

Well...a chapter is almost finished

We're on our way tomorrow. Our house is full of boxes. The babies are having one last nap. The movers come tomorrow. The U-Haul gets loaded tomorrow and we're off. It's exciting and scary all at the same time. We're going to miss everyone SOOOO much. I'm really going to miss my boys. :( Sunny and Sumeet have been like sons to me. But, easier than sons, cause I don't have to make them eat healthy food or clean up after themselves or make them do chores. I just have to like them. That seems to work a little better than this parenting gig most days.

We'll get the keys to our new house on Wednesday. I don't know when we'll actually get our belongings, but we'll have keys! I think it's going to be fabulous...but it's still going to be lonely for a little while.

I adore this shot